I Am The Voice

My dear sweet Seay,

Son... this week has held a lot for me. A lot of feelings and emotions that you might never know. But I'm writing them out here, so if one day you want to know. . . .then you can. 

The first time I found out I was pregnant I was scared and afraid.
Afraid it would end in miscarriage again, and afraid it wouldnt.

I don't say that to be unsympathetic but you have to understand that having a baby is a huge life shift. And I knew neither your papa or I was ready for that.

(Thankfully you have to cook for 9 months ;) )

I was extremely worried during the beginning of pregnancy that you would be a spirit of energy and quick witted sarcasm like your papa. Now don't get me wrong I love your papa, and he is a kind and caring man. I think I was terrified of this because. . . .marriage itself is a challenge...and your papa and I have been working on our marriage and communication skills for years. It seems so challenging at times and I think I was afraid of being outnumbered.

Suddenly this week I went for a walk with my camera. . .in the rain in the woods with nothing but you, a bag and my own quiet thoughts. . . .

On this walk I had a huge feeling of calm sweep over me, and I had a small talk with you about how the wilderness has always called to me. How nature has always been your mother's home.

I know the names of trees, plants, berries.  . . . What you can eat and what you can't.  I still climb trees,  and I take photographs of every simple small thing that amazes me with the glory of God.

God put that call into my heart at a young age. I would sit under a pine tree and write out my thoughts to Him. How I wanted to be swept off my feet. How I was waiting and how hard it was. How I desired to do so many things and be a still small voice for the sake of the Savior.
Somehow. . .I just know that you are more like me than your father. Call it intuition, call it a small voice, call it Jiminy cricket. . . .but I know you have my heart for the outdoors and you have a calm quiet spirit. 

You will be a boy...certainly. but you will connect with me more than I thought originally.