Why it's worth it

Why it’s worth it

so its mother’s day… and I have been commissioned to write the story of his birth from MY point of view. of course i generally don’t like to color inside the lines so i have decided….. not to do that

instead i have decided to write this story about my new hero. it all started June 28^th, in a far away time…. Of 2014. it was an average day at work. i was watching a tv show on my phone kind of relaxing as it had been a rather slow day. i was wrapping up an episode of sherlock when jessica walked in. she told me that she was hanging out with cynthia and that little sensor in the back of my mind, the one she affectionately referred to as my lie detector in college and hated whenever we disagreed on anything, began going off. perhaps ‘going off’ is the wrong string of words…. screaming in the back of my ear was more like it. i looked at her….. nothing seemed wrong. she was smiling. her eyes were bright. so why did i feel like something was wrong.

“whats wrong?” i asked her hesitantly.

She looked at me as though i had just swallowed my desk and i realized that her smile was pasted over her mouth. her eyes were slightly red. her face was completely flushed, like she had just run a mile. she was the picture of beautiful chaos. i looked outside and remembered that she was with her best friend. i took another step towards her, and repeated the question….

“well… i just took a pregnancy test.”

the floor opened up and swallowed me whole.

this was the day my life completely changed.

this was the day my new hero started their journey to me.

a few minutes pass

I look over to my co-worker and can say nothing except

“……… i’m gonna be a daddy.”

a few hours pass

I got off work. and sat in the car with jessica…. what would our life be like?

a few days pass

this is real. we begin to actually tell everyone. i couldn’t run from this.

a few weeks pass

we had met our midwife, seen an ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, picked out names, spoken to a doula, and mourned what we saw as a loss of youth.

a few months pass

we are having a gender reveal party. i rep pink for the little girl i know i am having. a boy would be more fun to wrestle with… but a girl would be fun to spoil. we stood in the middle of the gym, water balloons at the ready. wonderful mckenzie had filled them for us. i look over at jessica her shirt stretched over her beautiful fat belly. i felt such love for that baby bump. she wasn’t even here yet, but i couldn’t wait to hold my beautiful baby aeryn. Jessica had stayed a trooper through this and today was no exception. i ate jello for the first time, had a water balloon fight rained out, friends couldn’t make it, and she was tired but still there was a smile. everyone cocked their balloons back and i closed my eyes. i felt the balloons pelting me and heard screaming…. i opened my eyes and searched for the pink… it wasn’t there…. where was my pink? i looked at the blue confused and then it hit me……

i was having a son.

a few seconds pass (it felt like)

we were sitting in kathy’s office for what should be the last visit. she was talking but i wasn’t listening as i had taken to do while we were in here. this was all so real… and all so scary… i don’t know if i can do this…

i looked up as cathy finished checking Jessica and tuned in as she told her it should be at least another week. good. that fit into my plan. this baby was going according to schedule. i started tuning out again because i was absolutely terrified. we had been going to birth classes…. i had seen more birth videos than any of the guys i know combined…. i had read books…… but i still wasn’t ready. i was so scared i could cry. i had one week. i held it together and smiled.

Friday evening creeps up

Jessica and i had our next to last birth class. tbh this is the first time i even considered we might not hit my target date of one week later. Jess told me she had been having on again off again untimeable contractions… and it scared me. im ashamed to admit…. it scared me. we drove to Brenham or where ever our class was. cheryl was there to meet us and speak with us. the class was focused mainly on our ability to help each other in the up and coming adventure. cheryl did a few different games to show us how powerful really being there for one another was. i felt informed…. would i ever feel ready. i remember one major thing from that night…. the whole time she had been watching Jessica have contractions and had been hearing that it happened all day but not constantly. and then Jessica dropped the bomb. she had lost her cork. this meant that labor could be imminent. she insisted she had told me but i certainly did not remember. i shrugged it off… im quite sure it would be fine. i knew people that had lost theirs in like week 32. cheryl told me to take her straight home… no stops. i did as i was told and went home. Jessica went to take a bath to stop contractions and i went to sleep to pretend i wasn’t worried.

in the middle of the night

Jessica woke me up telling me that she was contracting again. i told her to run a bath and went back to sleep.

Jessica told me she ran a bath and she was still contracting… i told her to try and get some sleep… and i went back to sleep.

Jessica told me that she hadn’t been able to sleep since i mentioned sleep… i told her to try again… and i went back to sleep.

Jessica told me we needed to be timing contractions. i sort of faded between timing and sleeping.

i began to wake up for every contraction. i vaguely remember kathy texting Jessica and saying i “should be awake to experience that” somewhere deep down my stubborn sleep brain was indignant… i AM awake it said and i continued to ZZZZZZZZZZ.

Jessica told me i had been timing one minute every five minutes and i was sleeping between contractions.

i finally sat up trying to make sure the worry and fear wasn’t showing. this was serious now and her contractions were truly happening. i checked my watch. it was 2:43 or so. this was going to be a long night. 4 or so hours later we were still in bed timing her contraction as they became a bit more auditory. Jessica was doing her best to keep the sound down so as not to alert everyone in the house. we didn’t want people to know until after he was born because Jessica wanted to be able to truly relax. she told me she had been texting our midwife and our doula for a few hours and kathy wanted us to go ahead and come in at 9.

8:30

Jessica and i decided to go ahead and start getting things together so i went ahead and started packing. i threw on sleep pants and a hoodie and walked into the living room. my grandmother looked at my quizzically and i told her that we had another midwife appointment to check our go bag and make sure everything was ready. i played the part well. no one ever expected.

the tricky part was jessica getting to the car in between contractions and looking like nothing was wrong. at the very end of a contraction she walked through the living room with a smile on her face.

“Good morning.”

“robb said you guys were off to the midwife this morning?”

“yes ma’am. she is checking our go bag and making sure we are all together since we will probably have him some time after monday.”

Jessica walked out the door while i finished getting everything together. i followed her to the car and hopped in checking the time. it was ten minutes to 9. so we were running a bit behind. i heaved a stressed sigh. this was difficult. i was sure i had never experienced anything harder than lying there listening to her cross between wildly inappropriate sounds and painful releases for 8 hours on end.

i sighed for a moment and put a smile on.

i was broken in half. on one hand i was so excited to get to see and hold my son. on the other hand i hated seeing my wife in this level of pain and there was nothing i could do.

we began the drive to the birth center. obviously the contractions continued. i turned on her playlist hoping it would help her get through them. she seemed ok for a couple but then she began cursing feverishly through them. i chuckled at her strong will. i reminded her that the midwife’s was a place where you couldnt be using profanity. Then i realized that if God would be there, then why couldnt he be here as well. if where two or more were gathered in his name he would be there, then he could ride with us in the car. i reached over and clicked on ksbj and courageous was on. i couldn’t control the tears from rolling down my face. i was so scared for jessica and this song was the desire of my heart. what if something went wrong? what if he wasn’t ok? what if she wasn’t ok? what if.. what if… what if… i prayed for the Lord to indeed make me courageous… i hid the tears hoping jessica wouldn’t see them and could continue to take strength from me. i looked over and jessica had her eyes closed and was actually singing through the contractions. i asked her if they had gotten easier and she let me know that they were harder and she thought she was in hard labor. so much for my plan for a week from then. God knew when that baby was supposed to be here.

we arrived at the birth center and went to the office. i fiddled with my phone and things while cathy checked Jessica. she was halfway dialated. that baby was coming that day. we got ready and moved into the delivery room. i took a few pictures and excused myself to go get more stuff. i met kristyn in the hall and told her how i had been feeling in the car. it was hard to be strong but i knew jess needed me. she gave me a hug and we walked in together.

the hard part

this was the part i was most terrified of. most people scoff when i tell them i was afraid i would get bored, but it was a real fear. i am pretty adhd and i just knew that while we were waiting i would be bored. however the moment i walked in i knew that i had to be there for jessica where ever she needed me. i took some pictures, set up a video, helped pray over her, spoke through her pain, and so much more. god was really in that room that day. the first thing i did when i got into that room was ask jessica if i could play ksbj. she said, “it doesn’t matter babe. im good.” but my mind was drawn back to the power and movement i saw of Christ in the car. i also knew that if he came when we two were gathered in the car, now that the five of us were gathered he would certainly be there, so i told her that it would be playing and she was grateful.

the rest of the time flew by. she labored in the tub most of the time. her legs were burning through every contraction and only constant pressure on the lower back helped. she was handling this so wonderfully. at that point i had to admit to myself, i was terrified how she would handle the pain. she always strayed away from pain, but she couldn’t shy back from this. i was terrified what we would see. she did amazing!! she had been told to keep her sounds low to help open everything up and everytime she started to say owowow, i would remind her, babe! deep sounds…. and she listened!!

 through her double peaks she was getting to where she could barely speak, but we were truly a team here. she finally entered transition and decided that she would get out to be checked. they gave her some kind of electricity thing to help her back and handed me the remote (i still don’t know how that thing worked. i just didn’t wanna admit it.). Jessica and i sat together, face to face, in awe that this was really happening. we moved to the bed and let cathy check jess. this is where my time really started to blend together. we tried several different positions to get rid of the leg pain. i was basically Jessica’s support and table. cathy asked her if she felt like she needed to push. i took a look at the clock.

It was 1:30.

Jessica thought about the question and said she really did so he pushed once and the water came flowing out. the moments really blur, but i remember a few different standing positions i was in to help Jessica. i also looked down and saw his little head. here was the part i was scared of and jess treated it like she was a champ. cathy asked if she wanted to move to the tub, but jess said no let’s just do it here. primal sounds like i had never heard from her before came from Jessica and she was working through that. at one point she said “i can’t do this.” she was met with a chorus of “yes you can” and “it’s almost over” but i leaned in and reminded jessica of the song playing.

“i know im not strong enough to be everything im supposed to be. im not strong enough.”

i reminded jessica that she wasn’t strong enough, but Christ was and i saw this change. she became so feral and she pushed that baby out in 17 min. he was beautiful….. this…. this became the day that i met my new hero…. my wife. she handled it all with such poise and grace.

guys you wanna know why i wrote this and why it’s worth it…. and seeing the strength your wife holds deep within that she may have ever even known she could tap into will give you a whole new level of respect for her.

Guys i am, in no way, an expert after one baby… but if this is your first here are some things for you that really helped me get through it or even a couple i wish i had done.

*whatever she wants you be that for her. if she wants someone to rub her, be that for her. if she wants someone to joke with her, be that for her, and if she wants someone to cry with her, by golly you pinch the inside of your leg and you muster up whatever it takes to get her through.

*take as many pics as possible on different cameras, including video. one of my cameras pictures didn’t turn out. so multiples are nice.

*worship music was the most powerful tool we had in our arsenal.

*pay enough attention to her that she doesn’t even need to ask for whatever she might need.

*you may be lucky enough to be the hand holder or unlucky enough to be the bench to lean on

*never stop telling her that she is amazing. but don’t just phone it in… why do you find her amazing and beautiful at that moment. share it with her.

*never… stop…. praying….

*the doula is your friend… let her help you.

*when labor starts… take a breath…. relax. its ok.

*be strong for your wife and don’t be afraid to let her be strong for you

*and finally… let Christ be the center


it will all pay off in the end.