Last Pregnancy.
This morning as I poured my cup of coffee and added Peppermint Mocha creamer to it,
I walked over to the window and listened to the giggles filling the crisp December air.
Sitting there looking out into the backyard watching them play together I was suddenly just overcome with emotions. I reached down and rubbed my belly... talking to myself in my head and trying to understand what I was feeling at that moment.
I don't think I really ever will get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper accurately for how I feel these days. I described it to Robb today as the beginning of a new book of our life... but also the end of one too.
Its like when you are falling in love with the characters in a book and all of the sudden the book is almost over...
Like you've reached the first page of that last chapter and you are so attached at that point that you want to stop reading so it doesn't end...
But at the same time you are eager to know the ending so you HAVE to keep going?
That is how I feel today.
I see these weeks getting shorter till we add a 3rd child into our home and my heart aches... because I've fallen so deeply in love with the characters in this storybook I'm currently living in. . . I feel like my sons are developing so deeply and quickly right now and I embrace that with every single breath.
I see this huge change of winds coming... this new character being added to our story. Part of me is terrified. . . absolutely terrified.
And yet there is a part of me that is so intrigued and excited to see what happens next in our story.
I've spent a lot of this last trimester preparing for labor, for delivery, and for birth...
But . . . part of me realized today that I haven't gotten much prepared in the way of LIFE after that.
I held Wyatt today and smothered him with kisses...He longs for me to hold him constantly...his attachment to me is something I often take for granted or even get annoyed by.
But today... everything just seemed so very important.
Seay wanted to eat a cookie. . . so I let him.
Wyatt wanted to spend most of his day outside even after he got into an ant pile... so I didn't say no.
Now not everyday is so privileged but for some reason today... my heart just was filled with great love for these two brothers.
Watching them ride in the cart at target while Christmas shopping and talking to one another... Listening to Robb tell me about how Seay checked on Wyatt in the car when he was upset...
Hearing Seay alert me to the fact that his brother stepped in ants so could I please come help his brother...
little things like that... like how they love and take care of one another at ONLY 2 and 1 years of age...
And with a little fear... and a lot of uncertainty I look to the calendar and wonder... how will adding a 3rd change that friendship... how will it affect that dynamic... will it?
Seay looks at my stomach and asks me daily when sister will be here... I remind him that Christmas comes first, Then Daddies birthday, and then Valentines day... Which I'm sure to him will feel SO LONG...but in reality its barely over 7 weeks away.
Wyatt gives kisses to the belly and tries oh so hard to kick his sister back when she kicks his hand away.
Seay is freaked out by her movements... and will only touch my belly if "sister is sleeping" (aka my belly button isn't popped out LOL)
I talk to them daily about holding sister and loving sister...they both talk back...but how much will this change...change us.
I think a lot of my fear that I have here is related to Post Partum Depression and the fear that it will rear its ugly head again.
Pregnancy is difficult but recovery from birth is 10 fold. Not because of the pain although that is a part of it... but because of the heavy loneliness that comes from being alone all those hours of the day while you heal and rest. I'm doing everything in my power this time around to make sure I have visitors lined up...so that It isn't like it was with Wyatt and Seay.
So many hours alone...so many days I didn't even shower or take care of myself because I was scared to leave the baby alone or even with someone for a few minutes. . . ... irrational fears were a big part of that... Thankfully I'm doing everything I can to make sure I get self care down this time.
I talk so confidently of labor and birth and that entire process because I know how to do that. My body knows that process. . . that isn't scary to me at all. Its the after part... the whole being outnumbered and being mom to 3 instead of 2... how on earth will I do that?
That's the Book I'm scared to start... maybe that's why I've started clinging so tightly to this last chapter of our family of 4... because I know what is next to come and the reality of it is overwhelming. In fact as I write that sentence I know that's why... Suddenly the fear of losing what I love to something different is present. When in reality it wont be lost... it will simply be changed.
I wanted to take time today to write all of this out though because I truly want to start sharing more... and I also believe that upfront honesty is very healing for other people to hear... I think the more we share our weaknesses and fragilities the more people can see us as HUMAN.
I'm not some always happy, always optimistic, always smiling individual. . . and I think that sharing those moments where I feel small... Its one way that Christ uses me to make him look big.
Because... in all of this fear. . . in all of this uncertainty... I feel peace.
I choose Joy.
It Is Well.
Love Dwells Here.
Those are all signs posted around my house... and SERIOUSLY without God... I would be a wreck tonight... I would be laying on the ground crying my eyes out instead of sharing this with you.
I walked through my house tonight and I saw each of those signs. . .and EACH one came with a promise.
I do look at this situation and I DO CHOOSE JOY.
IT IS WELL . . .No matter how this ends... It is well ...because HE says it will be.
and Love dwells here... that isn't a secret to me... as I watch my husband wrestle his two boys and I see my sons take care of one another... I smile as they demand daddy give momma and sister extra kisses before daddy leaves for work...
I know... no matter how worried or afraid I may feel...
Its already fine.
Someday when I look back and I've cracked open the sequel to this story of our life... I will smile and say If only I knew... If only I knew how amazing things would be.
I hope dear reader that if you have gotten this far that you can feel my heart pouring from these pages...
Its now 7 weeks and 5 days until I crack open that new book... but until then I'm savoring the last chapter.
-Jessica
I walked over to the window and listened to the giggles filling the crisp December air.
Sitting there looking out into the backyard watching them play together I was suddenly just overcome with emotions. I reached down and rubbed my belly... talking to myself in my head and trying to understand what I was feeling at that moment.
I don't think I really ever will get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper accurately for how I feel these days. I described it to Robb today as the beginning of a new book of our life... but also the end of one too.
Its like when you are falling in love with the characters in a book and all of the sudden the book is almost over...
Like you've reached the first page of that last chapter and you are so attached at that point that you want to stop reading so it doesn't end...
But at the same time you are eager to know the ending so you HAVE to keep going?
That is how I feel today.
I see these weeks getting shorter till we add a 3rd child into our home and my heart aches... because I've fallen so deeply in love with the characters in this storybook I'm currently living in. . . I feel like my sons are developing so deeply and quickly right now and I embrace that with every single breath.
I see this huge change of winds coming... this new character being added to our story. Part of me is terrified. . . absolutely terrified.
And yet there is a part of me that is so intrigued and excited to see what happens next in our story.
I've spent a lot of this last trimester preparing for labor, for delivery, and for birth...
But . . . part of me realized today that I haven't gotten much prepared in the way of LIFE after that.
I held Wyatt today and smothered him with kisses...He longs for me to hold him constantly...his attachment to me is something I often take for granted or even get annoyed by.
But today... everything just seemed so very important.
Seay wanted to eat a cookie. . . so I let him.
Wyatt wanted to spend most of his day outside even after he got into an ant pile... so I didn't say no.
Now not everyday is so privileged but for some reason today... my heart just was filled with great love for these two brothers.
Watching them ride in the cart at target while Christmas shopping and talking to one another... Listening to Robb tell me about how Seay checked on Wyatt in the car when he was upset...
Hearing Seay alert me to the fact that his brother stepped in ants so could I please come help his brother...
little things like that... like how they love and take care of one another at ONLY 2 and 1 years of age...
And with a little fear... and a lot of uncertainty I look to the calendar and wonder... how will adding a 3rd change that friendship... how will it affect that dynamic... will it?
Seay looks at my stomach and asks me daily when sister will be here... I remind him that Christmas comes first, Then Daddies birthday, and then Valentines day... Which I'm sure to him will feel SO LONG...but in reality its barely over 7 weeks away.
Wyatt gives kisses to the belly and tries oh so hard to kick his sister back when she kicks his hand away.
Seay is freaked out by her movements... and will only touch my belly if "sister is sleeping" (aka my belly button isn't popped out LOL)
I talk to them daily about holding sister and loving sister...they both talk back...but how much will this change...change us.
I think a lot of my fear that I have here is related to Post Partum Depression and the fear that it will rear its ugly head again.
Pregnancy is difficult but recovery from birth is 10 fold. Not because of the pain although that is a part of it... but because of the heavy loneliness that comes from being alone all those hours of the day while you heal and rest. I'm doing everything in my power this time around to make sure I have visitors lined up...so that It isn't like it was with Wyatt and Seay.
So many hours alone...so many days I didn't even shower or take care of myself because I was scared to leave the baby alone or even with someone for a few minutes. . . ... irrational fears were a big part of that... Thankfully I'm doing everything I can to make sure I get self care down this time.
I talk so confidently of labor and birth and that entire process because I know how to do that. My body knows that process. . . that isn't scary to me at all. Its the after part... the whole being outnumbered and being mom to 3 instead of 2... how on earth will I do that?
That's the Book I'm scared to start... maybe that's why I've started clinging so tightly to this last chapter of our family of 4... because I know what is next to come and the reality of it is overwhelming. In fact as I write that sentence I know that's why... Suddenly the fear of losing what I love to something different is present. When in reality it wont be lost... it will simply be changed.
I wanted to take time today to write all of this out though because I truly want to start sharing more... and I also believe that upfront honesty is very healing for other people to hear... I think the more we share our weaknesses and fragilities the more people can see us as HUMAN.
I'm not some always happy, always optimistic, always smiling individual. . . and I think that sharing those moments where I feel small... Its one way that Christ uses me to make him look big.
Because... in all of this fear. . . in all of this uncertainty... I feel peace.
I choose Joy.
It Is Well.
Love Dwells Here.
Those are all signs posted around my house... and SERIOUSLY without God... I would be a wreck tonight... I would be laying on the ground crying my eyes out instead of sharing this with you.
I walked through my house tonight and I saw each of those signs. . .and EACH one came with a promise.
I do look at this situation and I DO CHOOSE JOY.
IT IS WELL . . .No matter how this ends... It is well ...because HE says it will be.
and Love dwells here... that isn't a secret to me... as I watch my husband wrestle his two boys and I see my sons take care of one another... I smile as they demand daddy give momma and sister extra kisses before daddy leaves for work...
I know... no matter how worried or afraid I may feel...
Its already fine.
Someday when I look back and I've cracked open the sequel to this story of our life... I will smile and say If only I knew... If only I knew how amazing things would be.
I hope dear reader that if you have gotten this far that you can feel my heart pouring from these pages...
Its now 7 weeks and 5 days until I crack open that new book... but until then I'm savoring the last chapter.
-Jessica
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